Content
scream it out playlist summary
For my 40th birthday (Aug 21, 2024) I set out to make a playlist with songs that remained influential throughout my life (for various reasons, not all emotional), since the first time I heard them. While making this playlist over the last 3 months, I simultaneously learned that it is incredibly difficult to sum up your full life music experience within 40 songs, and that 40 is a lot of songs.
For each song, this post reveals when I started listening to that band and why I chose it for this mix. You can listen here or on YouTube Music.
 |
Stabbing Westward – What do I have to do?From Wither Blister Burn + Peel (1996) |
| I had a thing for songs that started with spooky bass, but this song was also in the movie Masterminds (1997) starring Vincent Kartheiser whom I was desperately in love with, and I somehow got to associating this song with our love. Later in high school I got more into their whole library (not just Wither Blister Burn + Peel), saw them in concert a few times, and even met them through a fence where they signed my HFStival program. | |
 |
Bush – SwallowedFrom Razorblade Suitcase (1996) |
| I’ve loved Bush since I can remember. I like how Gavin’s voice is both angry and calming, and I love how it contrasts and flows with the grungy or symphonic music behind it. Razorblade Suitcase is one of my favorite albums of all time and although there are several other songs I love more than this one, I picked “Swallowed” because in 7th grade I went to my friend’s birthday party where she played and sang this on guitar before we went into the back room for a seance to call upon Kurt Cobain (her one true love). I don’t remember much from that time in my life but I remember she had long blonde hair and a red guitar. | |
 |
Jeff Rosenstock – Staring Out the Window at Your Old ApartmentFrom Worry (2016) |
| I saw Bomb! The Music Industry in concert in 2008 with a friend where we met these two dudes who ended up being our friends (and my besties) for a few years before we had a huge falling out because sometimes people grow on different timelines. Although BtMI wasn’t my thing, I loved the energy and have kept up with Jeff Rosenstock’s solo stuff. It was hard to pick a song, so I picked one that’s fun to listen to while sitting in traffic in the city. | |
 |
Ace of Base – The SignFrom The Sign (1993) |
| The Sign was my first “real” CDs as an elementary school student (my actual first CD was the Mission: Impossible soundtrack), which I was allowed to buy because one of my mom’s friends at work loved them, so it came pre-screened by another mother. Throughout my life, knowing the words to this song has been a way to make friends. | |
 |
Cross My Heart – The HypnotistFrom Cross My Heart (1998) |
| This came on a mix from an ex boyfriend who, in retrospect, was not good for me, but he liked good music! My early-mid 20s was a time of music discovery thanks to him and a few other friends I had at the time. All of their songs are fun to sing along to. | |
 |
Alanis Morissette – You Oughta KnowFrom Jagged Little Pill (1995) |
| Probably everyone who grew up in the 90s got really into at least one Alanis Morissette song. Jagged Little Pill is probably the only Alanis album I’ve listened to 100+ times. I chose this song because of the memories scream/shouting this in the car on road trips, whether I’d just broken up with someone or I wanted to exercise my growl-roar singing. This song is perfect for it and I want to make a hardcore cover some day. | |
 |
Converge – ReptilianFrom Razorblade Suitcase (2017) |
| I’ve heard of and listened to Converge adjacently in my experience since high school because my brother was into them, but I didn’t dive into the entire music library and find myself in every song until The Dusk in Us came out. I needed “I Can Tell You About Pain” to come out 1 week after breaking up with the only hardcore fan I’ve ever dated so I could throw myself into it, painfully, wishing we had better communication. “Reptilian” is one of my top favorites, and they played it first two nights in a row when I saw them in Baltimore and DC for the album’s tour. I still feel the building energy and emotion of those nights every time I listen to it.
We must lose sight of the shore to know what courage means |
|
 |
Lord of the Rings OST – Concerning HobbitsFrom The Fellowship of the Ring OST (2001) |
| The first version of this playlist had no movie soundtrack songs on it but I don’t think that’s fair. I’m a person who listens to movie soundtracks even if they haven’t watched the movie in a few years. I only included a handful but I chose the ones that had the most impact on me. “Concerning Hobbits” is one of my stims and I sing it all the time when I am nervous or confused and it helps me think and focus. I was also so incredibly obsessed with Lord of the Rings from birth to after college, especially after these movies were released while I was in high school. The perfect most formative years for me to see my favorite book series on screen. | |
 |
La Dispute – The Last Lost ContinentFrom Somewhere at the Bottom of the River Between Vega and Altair (2008) |
| This is the only gift Spotify has given me! This song started playing while I was frustrated trying to fix my playlist as best as I could without a paid account, and I just gave up and started listening to what it recommended. I was in the first apartment where I lived alone and what drew me in was the drumming, which I found addictive. This song in particular reminds me a lot of a (now gone) Marine friend I had who would tell me about what life was like post-war as someone with no professional job history. We exchanged stories and gave each other feedback and we ate ice cream outside the gas station and talked about literature. I think he would like to be romanticized in a playlist like this.
And I still hear my friend say |
|
 |
Southtowne Lanes – The Choir of the NightFrom Give Up the Ghost (2016) |
| This became a heavy post-breakup song after I stopped talking to the last person I might have loved (I’ve dated since then but not anyone that I might have loved). It’s also a very good road trip song, especially if you are a writer. This song by itself comes out of the context of a conceptual album that is one really long poem about love, loss, the changing of seasons, and moving on. | |
 |
Touché Amoré – DeflectorFrom Lament (2020) |
| Like my early 20s, my early 30s became another time of heavy music discovery! I will say I spent a lot of my later 20s listening to what I loved a decade previous, and now in my late 30s I’m spending a lot of time listening to music from throughout my life. New music comes in waves; I am not always seeking it. I think I got into Touche Amore because they played with someone else I saw. The singer makes zines and has the most gentle and nicest voice/demeanor, but shows uncontained emotion on stage. This song is about me.
I’ll test the water |
|
 |
DoubleMotorcycle – EverweightFrom Doublemotorcycle (2017) |
| I got into DoubleMotorcycle because a friend of mine took me to a show at Slash Run to see a few local bands. I had never seen a band with such an energetic and social drummer. I was dancing through their entire setlist in a way that, at the time, I usually felt too self conscious to do! I chose this song because it’s fun to dance to with your friends. | |
 |
Diet Cig – ThrivingFrom Do You Wonder About Me? (2020) |
| I love a that mentions listening to the same songs on repeat on a playlist where I’m covering the songs I’ve been into throughout my life. I saw Diet Cig with a friend (the same one who took me to DoubleMotorcycle) and although the only thing I remember from that show was Great Grandpa and young girls with small backpacks flying all over the place while they danced, what came out of it was that I love every Diet Cig and Great Grandpa song I’ve ever heard.
I’ll play the same songs |
|
 |
Jukebox the Ghost – Good DayFrom Let Live and Let Ghosts (2008) |
| I went back and forth on putting a Jukebox the Ghost song on this playlist because I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with them anymore in the way that I could reasonably say I’m still obsessed with almost every other song in this list. However, I think it’s meaningful to include as I saw them on the Let Live and Let Ghosts album tour without knowing anything about them. I was bored and restless and I wanted to go to a show, so I went to The Black Cat and bought a ticket for whoever was playing that night. I had so much fun dancing to their music and talking to other happy people. That started me going to The Black Cat nearly every weekend for several years. | |
 |
Old Gray – My Life With You, My Life Without YouFrom An Autobiography (2013) |
| I’m always on the fence about including Old Gray on a playlist because if you look into all their songs and lyrics you might worry about me. (I don’t relate to most of their music anymore.) This song hits me right in the heart every time I hear it, though. I have a double-sad association with it; one with an ex that I dated for 4.5 years, another with the guy I dated after him. It’s weird because every time I listen to this song I think of one of them, but not both at the same time. It’s good to remember, and this song takes me right back into it. This song makes me think of the good with them and the good without them, with a bittersweet tone that I couldn’t have had both kinds of good in my life with them. | |
 |
Apoptygma Berzerk – Kathy’s Song (VNV Nation remix)From Kathy’s Song CD Single (2000) |
| While I was thinking of songs for this playlist, this one came up front and center. This is one of those songs that for a very long time ended up on every single playlist I made. I used to be embarrassed by the clip at the beginning, but it’s necessary for people to listen to the song while they are driving around beautiful landscapes or in a thick forest. It was on every playlist because I listened to my playlists while I was taking long drives, so I always heard it when something beautiful was around. | |
 |
The Flaming Lips – Bad DaysFrom Due to High Expectations… The Flaming Lips Are Providing Needles for Your Balloons (1994) |
| If you’ve known me since I was 10 you may have heard this story: For mothers day one year, my brother and I cleaned the entire house while my mom was at work and when she got home we had her sit down and watch us perform a music video for this song. We knew it because it was on the Batman Forever soundtrack and we thought it was HILARIOUS. Of course, we didn’t know how true the lyrics held for adults at jobs they hated, but it made her cry that we were so thoughtful in picking a song. In 2018 I learned this song on drums so now it’s imprinted in my memory in detail. | |
 |
Refused – Tannhäuser / DerivèFrom The Shape of Punk to Come (1998) |
| The sole reason I got into this band is because my brother liked them. I listened to them and sang along, but didn’t really “get” it until I was older and realized that I had been listening to Refused since high school but didn’t know what they were all about. I read up on their background and listened to every album. This is one of my favorite songs and encapsulates what I love about their music: Jazzy, bassy, complex, passionate, emotional, insightful hardcore music with built-in movement. You can’t listen to their music without moving your body.
Every corner we turn will lead us |
|
 |
Interstellar OST – StayFrom Interstellar OST (2014) |
| I liked this movie a lot, but I LOVED the soundtrack. I have been listening to it several days out of each month since 2020 when I started working remotely and found I needed background noise to help keep me focused. Listening to the Interstellar soundtrack, I can potentially skip lunch AND stay after 5 without even realizing it. Luckily there are meetings to break up the day most of the time. This is also very good chores music. | |
 |
silverchair – No AssociationFrom Freak Show (1997) |
| Silverchair was my #1 obsession from 1997-2001, and for several of those years it’s possible they’re the only band I listened to (aside from what was on the radio). It was impossible to pick just one song. I chose this one because I remember feeling the music and loving it, even though I thought the lyrics were kind of goofy. I was never a “no one cares about me and everyone is against me” kind of sad person so lyrics to those themes were never my thing. The song is fucking rad though. Try not moving your body to this. | |
 |
Dave Matthews Band – Drive in Drive outFrom Crash (1996) |
| Can you believe in the context of the rest of this mix that I was a Dave Matthews Band superfan for several years in my mid-20s? Some of my friends think of me when songs come on the radio. The music is technically good. Don’t get in my face. I chose this song because it is about me. The lyrics were written in 5 minutes and meant to have no meaning and be confusing, but in my context it seems to be about wanting to connect with people and caring about them but desiring to enjoy the majority of your life alone. It’s been confusing me my entire life, being this way. I have trouble staying if people can’t give me space, but I’ll always come back if they do. | |
 |
Nine Inch Nails – Where is Everybody?From The Fragile (1999) |
| Like Bush, Nine Inch Nails is another I found off the radio as a kid and became obsessed with. Even during the time period where I was primarily listening to Silverchair, NIN snuck their way in more than other bands. It was impossible to choose a song so I picked the first one that resonated with my high school self in a YouTube-generated mix. I loved singing along to this song and I can picture myself in my bedroom with the lights off singing along, assuming no one could hear me because the music was so loud (they could hear me). Also, my older half-brother was into NIN and met Trent Reznor once at a bar in Ohio, which was a story I told everyone. | |
 |
Lisa Loeb – Stay (I miss you)From Tails (1995) |
| Speaking of older half-brothers, one time he drove us home in his new car which was so cool and this song was playing, so I wrote down the lyrics as soon as I got home and recorded it off the radio every time it played until I had cassettes full of this song so I could learn the words by listening to it on repeat. Like Ace of Base’s “The Sign,” I have made several friends because we both knew every word to this song. | |
 |
The Lucksmiths – Little AthleticsFrom A Good Kind of Nervous (1997) |
| You would think I’d pick the song “Fiction” because I got the typeset-written fiction tattoo on my upper arm in honor of that song, so I’ve been branded by it, but this song brought me through a variety of experiences throughout life. At first I loved it only because of the bass part towards the end; I would listen to it on repeat just to get to that. The rest of the song was build-up to my favorite part. Then as I got older, the lyrics started making more sense in the context of my life and this quickly became a breakup song. This is another band that I got into in my early 20s from an ex, that redefined how I approached music. Because of my love of The Lucksmiths, a lot of folk music became more approachable to my hardcore ears. | |
 |
Good Luck – How to Live HereFrom Into Lake Griffy (2008) |
| This is what I listen to when I feel alone and it reminds me that I’m doing fine on my own and I have very human needs and desires and that’s okay. And it’s okay if I don’t find my person, maybe they’ll show up eventually. Sometimes I need a reminder. At some point I stopped getting sad about it because I have this song to help. (Sometimes I cry and a listen can become like therapy.) | |
 |
Rainer Maria – Ears RingFrom long Knives Drawn (2003) |
| One of the only good things to come out of bad breakups is music, especially if they fuel you with enough angsty lyrics that help you get through the breakup(s) with that person. I used to sing this on long drives after every breakup. Now I sing it on long drives when I want to exercise my scream/shouty singing. Either way, recommended in the car. | |
 |
Des’ree – Gotta BeFrom I Ain’t Movin’ (1994) |
| I was writing earlier about my first CD, well, I Ain’t Movin’ from Des’ree was one of my first “real” cassette tapes. (I also had several Disney movie soundtracks and some hand-me-downs from the 70s/80s.) After listening to it, my mom thought this song had a good message for young people so I was allowed to get it in 5th grade. I’ve never heard another song that hits this level of perfection. I get chills listening to it like I’m sitting next to every version of me that needed this song to get through something. Sometimes I cry. | |
 |
The Cure – Maybe SomedayFrom Bloodflowers (2000) |
| It was not easy to find a song, but I decided to stay a little more upbeat. All of my favorites are on Disintegration, if that gives you an idea, but I didn’t want to use the ones I always use. When I was drafting this playlist most of the songs were fairly positive (though I think it evolved into a mixture), so “Maybe Someday” made the cut. This one hit me really hard in 2017, a big year of heartbreak and revisiting the past since my parents moved and downsized and gifted me everything they saved since I was born. It was the perfect distraction after losing two incredibly meaningful relationships within 7 months. | |
 |
Hanson – MmmbopFrom Middle of Nowhere (1997) |
| This made it to the first draft of this playlist and never left. In 1997 I was obsessed with Metallica, Silverchair, and Hanson. ..? I thought they were so cute and enjoyed the energy. I burnt out on that love before the honeymoon period ended. In retrospect it gives much insight on how I deal with crushes so I consider it an impactful moment of my musical and romantic history. | |
 |
Ray Parker Jr – GhostbustersFrom Ghostbusters OST (1984) |
| This is one of my favorite songs of all time and I learned it on drums in 2023. Who wants to be in a “Ghostbusters theme song” cover band with my drum teacher (on bass) and me? This is all we will play, once. We should wear costumes, I have a bunch you can use if you don’t have one. | |
 |
Metallica – …And Justice for AllFrom …And Justice for All (1988) |
| Like many others, it was difficult picking one Metallica song. I chose this one because I dedicated much of my 2-hour commute to college listening to this song on repeat and trying to perfect the steering wheel drums. I got pretty good but now that I can play drums for real, I see there is much room for improvement and I have a long way to go on this lifelong goal. | |
 |
The Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie and the Infinite SadnessFrom Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (1995) |
| I have a distinct memory of listening to this entire album in the car at night, parked after work/the gym/dinner, dreading going inside. In high school I got very into this band (and all of their side projects) with my boyfriend at the time, but it wasn’t until I was in my early 30s that many of the lyrics actually hit. I spent that time in the car sorting through everything and decided to stop putting other people in front of me. I can (narratively, in retrospect) clearly see it as a starting point to a new life. I don’t attribute it to one song or the ‘Pumpkins necessarily but they were on in the background during my time of need. I chose this song because despite its title I interpret it as a very positive song. It leaves me feeling hopeful. | |
 |
The Lion King – This LandFrom The Lion King OST (1994) |
| I like that when I listen to this song now I get to see the entire scene in the back of my mind and get the same chills when Rafiki’s song comes that I have had every time I’ve watched the movie and let myself sink into it. Talk about an impactful movie soundtrack. I memorized every word to every song when I was 10, but I couldn’t name all the US states. | |
 |
TOOL – The PatientFrom Lateralus (2001) |
| I once dated someone who hated all Tool fans based on a few experiences he had had, regardless of why they liked the band. As if you could lump all individuals who listen to a band into one group, like the media tried to do with the Columbine shootings. Anyway, I wasn’t smart enough to understand all of Tool’s lyrics when I got into them, but I loved the music. In the scope of my understanding at the time as a depressed teenager, this song gave me a perspective on life that I had never considered before. Just be patient. People are helping you and (maybe more importantly), you’re helping people. You’ll get it some day. (It was correct.) So maybe people hate Tool fans but I’ll never turn my back on Lateralus. I have helped a lot of people since then, and impacted many lives in a lasting positive way. I’m grateful for the perspective this song gave.
If there were no rewards to reap |
|
 |
Kirby’s Dream Land OST – Green GreensFrom Kirby’s Dream Land OST (1992) |
| Once I started including soundtrack music I wanted something from a video game, even if it was only one of them. I wish Game Boys kept stats on game play so I could give you a realistic number of how many times I played this game when I was a kid, but unfortunately, I cannot. It was at least once a week for a few years. In second place would come Sonic 1-3 and the Mean Bean Machine games but this song makes me very happy so it felt like a good bad-mood breaker for the playlist. | |
 |
Death Cab for Cutie – TransatlanticismFrom Transatlanticism (2003) |
| I think this album played an integral role in my emotional development, even though I couldn’t listen to this band or The Postal Service for several hundred years after breaking up with the person who introduced me to them. This song reminds me of driving through rural routes in Maryland on the way to his house or some fun ice cream place we went to. We were not good for each other but we had some wonderful drives. | |
 |
Fine Young Cannibals – She Drives Me CrazyFrom The Raw and the Cooked (1989) |
| I inherited this tape (stole it from my mom’s collection) after I realized it was the “She Drives Me Crazy” band, a song from the radio that I was absolutely obsessed with in 1993. This began my lifelong affair with 80s music. Since I can’t include them all, this will serve to represent the bands I overplayed in my teens-30s, just as 80s music should be. | |
 |
Ke$ha – Your Love is My DrugFrom Animal (2010) |
| Because I am unhip I got into Ke$ha 5 years after she was initially big. I downloaded her entire discography, isolated the songs I liked, and then only kept those files. Though I’ve heard all the music up to 2015, I only remember about 20 songs. This is the one I like best. | |
 |
The Living End – StrangeFrom The Living End (1998) |
| As a teenager in middle school this song resonated with me more than any of their other songs, but the song “Growing Up (Falling Down)” has generally resonated with me throughout the rest of my life. Listening to this song, I am transported back to 1999 in my room coding websites and listening to The Living End and Rancid while I talked with friends in chat rooms. It is a very good second-to-last song for me because it reminds me of a time when I had no qualms with being myself, no matter how strange they were. | |
 |
Superorganism – It’s All GoodFrom Superorganism (2018) |
| This is the last song to leave the playlist on a positive note. I found this band from my friend (the one who took me to the shows I mentioned). Seeing them play this song live for the first time, I heard it differently from listening to it at home alone in my house. Sometimes this happens at live shows. You are there feeding off the energy (and giving yours) with the rest of the crowd, all there listening to one of your favorite bands, dancing, spending time with friends, and suddenly the songs sound different. I accepted something inside myself that I still haven’t identified, but which made a grand impact. That’s a great way to move into my 40s, I think.
We know you feel the world is too heavy |
|
Tracklist timeline
I deliberately decided not to include any songs from my late 30s on this playlist because it takes me a few years to process the significance of things, so I think we’re too close, temporally. Those can go on another mix another time.
The playlist isn’t in chronological order, so here is the list by era. I compiled the playlist then found the eras for each song and it was interesting to see where the larger clusters of impactful music lie.
Elementary school
- Ace of Base – The Sign
- The Flaming Lips – Bad Days
- Lisa Loeb – Stay (I miss you)
- Des’ree – Gotta Be
- Ray Parker Jr – Ghostbusters
- The Lion King – This Land
- Kirby’s Dream Land OST – Green Greens
- Fine Young Cannibals – She Drives Me Crazy
Middle school
- Stabbing Westward – What do I have to do?
- Bush – Swallowed
- Alanis Morissette – You Oughta Know
- silverchair – No Association
- Nine Inch Nails – Where is Everybody?
- Hanson – Mmmbop
- Metallica – …And Justice for All
- TOOL – The Patient
- The Living End – Strange
High school
- Lord of the Rings OST – Concerning Hobbits
- Apoptygma Berzerk – Kathy’s Song (VNV Nation remix)
- Refused – Tannhäuser / Derivè
- The Cure – Maybe Someday
- The Smashing Pumpkins – Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
College years
- Cross My Heart – The Hypnotist
- The Lucksmiths – Little Athletics
- Rainer Maria – Ears Ring
- Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism
Mid 20s
- Jukebox the Ghost – Good Day
- Dave Matthews Band – Drive in Drive out
- Good Luck – How to Live Here
Late 20s
- Jeff Rosenstock – Staring Out the Window at Your Old Apartment
Early 30s
- Converge – Reptilian
- Touché Amoré – Deflector
- Old Gray – My Life With You, My Life Without You
- Interstellar OST – Stay
- Ke$ha – Your Love is My Drug
Mid 30s
- La Dispute – The Last Lost Continent
- Southtowne Lanes – The Choir of the Night
- DoubleMotorcycle – Everweight
- Diet Cig – Thriving
- Superorganism – It’s All Good
Leave a Reply