Reading habits

When I am reading I am reading three books at a time, at least. one audiobook while I am sitting on my couch taking notes or driving, one ebook while I'm waiting for my turn or I'm sitting somewhere dark, and a physical book which I always forget to bring with me but which I end up reading for hours some random Sunday afternoon.

because I can customize the size and font and color given my requirements each reading, I get the most out of ebooks so that is what I read the most. usually if I'm reading more than three books it is because I am reading multiple ebooks. I was a late adopter and although I had a nook for a very long time I haven't used dedicated e-readers for almost a decade.

I don't think one or another is better than the other format. I think what is important is that you are consuming thoughts and ideas from an external source, and then thinking about it. You can do that no matter what format you read in.

I am a collector of books, somewhat, much less than I was when I was younger. at one point I had over 1,000 books, but then I moved a whole bunch and somehow with each home I lost more books. I really like my library and I don't regret it, I've read most of them though not all of them, but more importantly I know what I own.

My books are divided by genre on the shelves and I have books in every room except for the bathroom. A room without books is like a body without a soul, attributed to Cicero, and I agree. Even if I am not actively reading I do like to look at them. (My bathroom has exclusively ghost and graveyard art for this reason.)

in a past life I was a bookseller for life. at some point my priorities changed, right around the time when I decided that I wanted to live alone. it turns out that you cannot live alone in the DC area on bookseller wages. I applied for multiple book stores around the area but none could pay enough so I had to switch fields.

I had a 6-year career in bookselling and it is a beautiful part of my past. I could name books based on a vague description of the cover, I had my dedicated area of the bookstore memorized, and it was like an organizer's heaven sorting, stacking, and shelving books. The customers were not fantastic. I have almost no memories of good encounters, only weird or bad ones from incredibly rude people. I think that made it easier to leave, but even now over a decade later I miss having books in my hands every minute for 8 hours a day.

The only thing I keep in my hand these days is my phone, and even with ebooks it's a poor comparison.

despite reading three books at once, that doesn't mean I finish them three times as fast. I average about 12 books a year these days, partially because I read long nonfiction books that force reflection in between, but also because I don't read as often as I used to. since high school and through those bookseller years, I was reading upwards to 75 books a year. granted, mostly shorter fiction, but it was a more frequent habit then too.

there were a couple years that I wasn't reading much at all. those were heavy burnout years post-bookselling when I was struggling with limited stability and trying to learn how to regulate my emotions in that kind of environment. I spent a lot of time writing instead.

A few years ago I intentionally decided to start reading more again and it has built itself into my routines and cycles, but I don't think I will get back to reading more than 50 books a year, at least not while I'm working full time. there is a lot more going on in my life, and since making that goal to live alone, I have to do all of the chores. nothing is divided, my time is taken. I also write more often now. and my kitty needs cuddles.

it's kind of sad to recognize that, but also in some ways a little freeing. I have been burdened with the memory of reading all the time so that I can feel guilty that I don't do that anymore. always pressured with the weight of not being productive enough, not being as productive as you used to be, not living up to the expectations of your former self.

I think what I want to be is a person who reads mindfully and slowly and sucks each book dry, pulling out all possible inspirational quotes, words to look up, other books to read, and concepts to question. it's not about how many I read, it's about what I'm reading about.

these days, I primarily read to educate myself on topics that I could never learn on my own through experience. If I can learn something through experience, I kind of prefer to do that, but there are multitudes of perspectives I will never be able to attain -- I mean we all have that problem. it's impossible to understand everything. I'm going to keep trying to understand as much as I can by reading about it though.

for example, I joined a reading challenge on storygraph called "decolonize your mind" that offers a selection of books "dedicated to expanding our understanding of history, society, and power dynamics by diving into books that challenge colonial narratives and amplify marginalized voices." My voice is not a marginalized voice in colonial narratives. I will never begin to understand these perspectives unless I read about them.

in some ways having this goal has inspired me to read more than I would have otherwise. it helps me narrow down and select books (not just from the challenge, but generally), and I know that the time is being spent meaningfully because I am learning to become a better person of this world.

in other ways, I miss fiction. I can't focus on it the way that I used to except for a few authors that I had already fallen in love with (Ray Bradbury, Haruki Murakami, Patrick Süskind, Jorge Luis Borges, R.L. Stine). in the old days I would judge books by their covers and buy the ones with the cool covers, read them end to end, and then move on to the next. now I can't get past the first page if I don't like the writing style, so I can't buy books based on their covers or even their back covers. I have to read the first chapter, then decide.

I think in some ways this selectiveness is totally fine. When I was reading a lot of bad fiction, I was writing a lot of bad fiction too. maybe by reading a lot of thoughtful nonfiction, I'll be writing better and more interesting nonfiction at some point. as a writer, it's actually kind of important what I decide to read because it will come out through my voice regardless of whether I like it or not. (but I really don't put that much stock into it. I go for what interests me and fiction just isn't doing it.)

even before i was a bookseller, reading and books were part of my identity, which is what sparked this reflection. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and although I think being a reader should still be contained in my definition, it isn't quite as intense as it used to be. again, another thing to be a little sad about, letting go of this side of myself that defined me for so long. but it's not really a loss, it's more like a refinement of purpose. I understand myself better now that I have the perspective of time and it's not better or worse that I'm reading 40 less books. it's simply different, because my life is different and my time is spent differently and I have different motivations.

how many parts of ourselves do we have to let go of throughout our lives? are we constantly mourning as we are constantly shedding?

I was thinking about starting a book blog where I would keep my reviews but then I realized it would only have 12 posts a year. I think I will stick to storygraph for those, for now. I like that it gives me stats.